10 SELF CARE ITEMS YOU CAN BUY FROM AMAZON (EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULD NEVER BUY FROM AMAZON)
I am an introvert. I like my space, I like being comfortable, I really, really like my bed. I’m also over thirty and that means I can get really excited about little bits and pieces you can get and thus make your entire life a bit better. I know other cool #influencers are advertising coke and the concept of partying and kissing people and not having anxiety, but listen, have I got some heated blanket recommendations for YOU?
Now, there’s nothing ethical about this post. First of all, it’s all Amazon (boooo!) and also, who knows how great all of this stuff is for the environment?
What I will say is that it’s definitely good for your body and mind. And since you will eventually die and become the earth… aren’t you, in a way, the environment? Woah. I bet you didn’t expect hard-hitting philosophy when you came here, did you? I don’t think you did.
Okay, let’s get to it. And if you think I’m just recommending you JUST ANYTHING, you are. so. wrong. In fact, most of the things I am about to recommend you, I have tried in many different versions. I have read all the reviews before buying. It’s all stuff I am actively often using. I went through my Amazon orders (all the way back to 2012 - turns out, I signed up to buy the Twilight books and then bought nothing till 2015. I’m going to change the narrative. Soon you’ll see a headline saying ‘I Boycotted Amazon For Three Years Because I Love Human Rights’ even though, in reality, it’s because I had no money and I already had the Twilight books, so what would I even buy?) just to see what else I wanted to recommend you. And there was a lot of shit. So. I’ve chosen the very best for you. Trust me on that.
Your self-care is important. Let’s go.
This post contains affiliate links. It means that if you buy something, I get a tiny percentage of the money. In other words: win-win-win, more info here.
The Lower Back Brace - a gift from God
Look at this guy! How straight he’s sitting! So when I turned thirty, my back gave up. It was like, hey, can we lie down forever, because everything hurts? Meanwhile, my job unfortunately took place not in a bed. I would slouch by the computer and it would hurt my back.
Then I found this back brace on Amazon. It’s a bit tricky to figure out how to put it on, but once you do - swoosh (that’s the sound of a back straightening) your back straightens. I loved it so much, I gave it to a friend who also works at a desk all day. She tried it on and immediately said, ‘It’s like a vacation!’
I’m not sure about the science behind it. It’s like… Your knees carry the weight of your… back? I don’t know. It feels good. I’m wearing it right now.
A Great Shower Head? More like Best Shower Head Ever!
Yeah, I’m rocking the titles. This is a funny one - I bought one a year ago and I didn’t like it, so I went back to my old, regular, boring shower head. Then I bought another one this year - and it didn’t work. Then I got a bloody THIRD one and it’s great. I think the second one was just broken, BUT the first one, I think my mistake was to use the metal’y head thingie instead of the plastic’y head thingie. There’s a guide on the box that tells you which one you should use. So follow that, it turns out to be right.
Again, I’ve got no clue how this works. But the little balls make your water… better or something. And there’s different power-modes (mine is always on ONE HARD DIRECT BEAM OF WATER… ladies. Winky face.) and the water pressure is good. I’ve seen people say that it makes their water pressure better - mine is already pretty good, so I didn’t feel a difference. But other people did. Anyways, it also looks pretty cool. I do recommend this - it makes showers more fun!
Shiatsu Neck/Shoulder Massager - or in other words, DID YOU KNOW YOUR SHOULDERS COULD ORGASM?
Honestly. I know it looks like an alien. I know it looks excessive. It probably IS quite excessive. I felt silly buying it, I felt silly trying it, I felt silly for getting something this big that I would probably never use.
But hang. the. fuck. on. I literally gasped when I first used it. Is it because we’re currently in lockdown and I haven’t been touched by another human for 131 days? Possibly. But still. It was incredible. It can only go for 20 minutes at a time, because more than that (at a time) isn’t good for you and it saves it from overheating. BUT FUCK THE POLICE - I used it for a full hour. You can use it up and down your entire back. It’s magical. You might think ‘Wow, £40? That’s a bit much?’ and you know what? It is. It’s a lot. So is owning it. And using it. No person in the world needs this. But fuck me, it’s good.
Luxury Electric Blanket - Is It Legal To Fuck Your Bed?
FEET AND HEAD IS SEPARATED - All the electric blankets I’ve had before were just hot all over. With this one, I can choose for my legs/feet to be on setting 8 and for my boobs/head area to be only 3. Which is what I do. My feet are always freezing.
IT HAS A TIMER - These things take up a lot of power. Especially if you, like me, always forget to turn them off again. In the past, I’d so often get into a bed that was like an oven, because I’d forgotten to turn it off. Also, I had to wake up in the middle of night to turn it off, when it was too hot. But this one, you can set to turning itself off again. I usually give it 2-3 hours when I go to bed. It’s perfect and safe and time saving.
These are the exact two things I needed, when I decided to upgrade my most essential bed accessory. And I couldn’t live without it now. Mmm. So toasty. Highly recommend. Especially in the winter. Especially in cold homes. So, anywhere in the UK really.
Ionic Facial Steamer - Mmmm, I’ll have a bit of sweaty home spa, please!
I have owned many facial steamers - not to brag. But I am an artisté, a comedian, an important cultural voice. If my throat is not lubricated, how shall I speak my truth to the masses?
It’s for the greater good of the nation that I have owned many facial steamers. This is what they all had in common: They were HUGE. They were ugly. They were hard to clean. And because they were so big and annoying, I didn’t use them as much as I wanted to.
Then I met this guy. He’s a slick, pretty little sweetheart. I would even have him on my desk, just waiting to steam me up. I mean, look at the lady in the photo! She’s so happy. That’s probably because she can sweat without it affecting her makeup, to be fair.
Steaming your face feels amazing. Honestly. It clears up your nostrils, it lubricates your throat, you sweat all over the place and your skin feels great afterwards. I RECOMMEND.
Cooling Eye Mask - because other people are cunts, so of course you cry a lot!
This one is simple and cheap. You cry a lot, because of course you do. Your eyes go sore and red and swollen. You grab this guy from the fridge and feel the world disappear as your eyes start feeling better. Boom. Lifechanging.
Cube Bed Raisers - no more acid reflux! IT’S A MIRACLE!
Okay, hear me out. You put two of these cubes under your bed, at the head-end. So you sleep at a very slight angle. It’s so slight that you don’t even notice. But your body does. And all that acid that refluxes into your throat when you go to sleep, stays in your stomach or liver or wherever it comes from. GAME CHANGER. And they’re SOLID. I often throw myself onto my bed and move it a few inches to the left or right and it has never fallen out of the cubes. They’re held down by the weight of the bed. I sleep so, so, so much better. I breathe better too. And I repeat: you won’t be able to feel the difference. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
BIG-ASS YOGA MAT - So big!
Okay, let’s not pretend I’m someone I’m not. I don’t do yoga. But, I am over thirty, so of course, my back has just stopped functioning like a back should. So I have to do stretches. When I was a child, I had to do ‘gymnastics’ with the old people who lived in the old-people-commune with my grandmother. It was basically sitting on a chair, tightening and loosening your first. Lifting your legs from the floor. MY KIND OF EXERCISE. Anyways, I have to do stretches now. Sometimes I just lie on the floor and chill. And I do it on this mat. It’s bigger than normal mats which is good (because of my fatness) and it’s non-slip. It’s sturdy too. And pretty. I really like it.
Footner Exfoliating Socks - YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH YOU NEED THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
Do you also have big, gross feet like me? I bet you do. So much hard and dry skin. So much that I’m not going to subject any pedicure-person to it. Then I found Footner. And wow. You stick your feet into the plastic and have them on for an hour (I usually have them on for longer, but DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME). You wash your feet and wait. And wait. Three days pass and you think, ‘They didn’t work!’ and you’re angry with me for misleading you. BUT THEN. YOU WAKE UP. Or you take off your shoes. Or socks. And suddenly - a layer of SKIN is falling off your foot! You can leave it and let it shed all by itself OR you can start picking in it. I’m telling you, picking a sheet of skin off your heel is the best feeling in the world. You then need to wait three weeks before you can use it again and it’ll be so hard not just to do it every third day. And your feet are so soft afterwards. Oh, and I’ve tried MANY different brands of exfoliating socks and none have worked as well as Footner. Just saying. Only the best for you, folx.
The Foot Spa Bath Massager - because your feet deserve some fucking respect.
It’s another one that’s a bit expensive and where there are plenty of cheaper alternatives. However, I have done a LOT of researching and this is why I think this one is the best: Almost every single one of these have little ‘spikes’ in the bottom, to, you know, massage your feet. They also have those rolling-thingies. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I give my feet a bath, I would like to place my feet on a non-painful surface. So this was the only one where there weren’t spikes in the bottom AND I could take out the little white spiky wheels. That was the main reason.
I used to be just like you: all ‘oh I will just shove some water into a mug with some dishwashing soap and put my feet in that. I get it. But you have never experienced a foot bath before you’ve tried one of these ridiculously large things. Apart from the bubbles (!!!), it not only HEATS UP the water, but it KEEPS IT HOT. What! For me, foot baths used to be like tea: either too hot or too cold. You have a window of maybe three minutes where it’s not disappointing. With this wonder, though, yum yum yum, it’s just always hot and bubbly. It’s a bit loud though. But you still just want to live in it forever. (I also like this and this foot salt, but I don’t know if it’s just because they’re pretty.)
This has been my #influencing for today. I hope you’re going to pamper yourself real good.
But remember that the real pampering comes from the inside. It’s free to give yourself a real good hug and tell yourself that you’re perfect and that it’s all going to be okay. It’s free to watch a movie or read a book. Take a shower. Get your eight hours of sleep. Forgive yourself for whatever you’re still holding onto. Laugh with friends, cut out toxic people from your life. Stop dieting. Wear something soft. Go lie on the grass and breathe in. Smell a flower, pet a dog. It’s all free and you won’t be able to buy it on Amazon. And it’s much more important than anything else.
Much love.