I swear, it is. I have never been more serious in my life. When you look at my stuff on the internet (very famous comedian, making funny jokes, funny tweets, funny sounds) you may be tricked into thinking I am always just super funny and award-winning. And whilst that is definitely true, there is one aspect of me that is very important for you to know: I am also honest. Like, super honest. Some would say ‘too honest’. Not everyone wants to hear about your inappropriate fanfiction about Paul Hollywood, Sofie. That’s what they always say. Being an #influencer is not just a calling, not just my destiny. It is who I am. Because 1) I like stuff 2) I like free stuff 3) I like discounts 4) I like touching people’s hearts and minds 5) I am honest about the stuff I like. So yes. I am serious. You can trust me with your products. And you can trust me with your heart.

Very good question, person that exists. I will explain.

#GIFTED - Sometimes, lovely, lovely brands will send me lovely, lovely stuff for free. I don’t even have to ask for it, it literally just shows up at my door. And at first I’m like ‘waaait a minute, what do they want?’ (because I grew up poor and fat, thus not used to receiving anything for free, so immediately suspicious) but then I read the note from the company that says ‘Here’s something free, just for you! And if you want to post a photo on Instagram to your millions of followers, I guess we’d be cool with that! Use these hashtags and tags, please!’ and I’m like, ‘Ahhhhh, I GET IT.’

It means I don’t HAVE to post about their product, but boy, would they love it if they did. Sometimes I will do this. Sometimes I won’t. I usually will, just so I get more free stuff. But - I will always be honest about the product. We all remember #PaperchaseGate.

#AD - This is our favourite hashtag. It’s our favourite type of post. It’s when a company has reached out and said, ‘We will pay you money to advertise our product!’ and I’m like ‘Are you ethical? Just kidding, send me the money now!’. They will usually send me the stuff for free so that I can show it to you. I have to follow certain guidelines. Sometimes they’re like ‘we will pay you even if you hate it and you tell people you hate it’ (my faves) but other times they’re like ‘Okay, you have to say THESE WORDS but in your own words’ and I’m bound by that. HOWEVER, if I don’t like the brand and I have to be positive about it, I WILL SAY NO. I promise. I am a slut for money, but not a dishonest slut for money. (I don’t mean this in a slutshamey way, I love sluts.)

#GIVEAWAYS - Sometimes I will have stuff just lying around. Unused, unopened. Nice stuff. Or maybe not nice stuff. And I’ll want to give it to someone. FOR FREE, LIKE JESUS? Ha ha, of course not, you prick. FOR A PRICE. I may do a post that’s like ‘Oh, share this on your profile and tag a friend and you might win this rotten apple’ or something and it might seem free to you, but ACTUALLY, it’s me giving one person a gift so that 100 people will advertise for me for free. Smart? Smart.

#AFFILIATELINK - This one is fun. So, websites will have these ‘affiliate programmes’ which you can apply for (if you’re a hotstuff #influencer, by the way. You can’t just be boring you with 29 followers, Steve.) and if you get accepted, you get access to AFFILIATE LINKS. When I then tell you about a product (that I most likely bought myself), I can use the affiliate link in my post or Instagram story and when you click it, IT WILL KNOW that you found it through me. WHAT! MAGIC! And then I get A PERCENTAGE of the sale. Don’t get your hopes up, it’s usually only, like, 1% or something. But still - maybe in 40 years, daddy can buy a pretty hat!

Thank you so much, I am beautiful indeed. Yes, I promise to be honest. The thing is, my main job is to be a stand-up comedian. Stadiums, red carpets, TV, paparazzi, showering in money (coins, it hurts) and just being famous. My secondary job is to do a very good podcast that just casually saves lives. My third job is to write - articles and books and stuff. This #influencing stuff is something I think is VERY fun - some might say getting free stuff sent to me is like a hobby of mine. Something I enjoy. So I can afford to say UM NO THANKS if someone evil (like WeightWatchers) come a’knocking. No thank you. I can also afford to be like ‘this blender sucks’ because HONESTY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SELLING BLENDERS, VICKY. It’s what I’ve always said.

Oh yeah, capitalism is the worst. And in the perfect world all of you suckers had voted differently in the last one million elections. I’d love me a bit of socialism.

But as Jesus said, THERE IS NO ETHICAL CONSUMPTION UNDER CAPITALISM. Can you believe they shot him for saying that?

Okay. Let’s talk ethics.

In a perfect world, you don’t buy shit you don’t need. And if you do need it, you get it from small businesses or from second-hand stores. And if you must buy it new, you make sure it’s fair trade, organic, locally made or made by people not exploited. These are things I try to do myself. We should never use Amazon and we should never buy fast fashion or eat meat. We should only buy vegan and cruelty-free products. We don’t need beauty products to be beautiful. We don't need things to make us happy. I believe this one hundred percent.

That. Being. Said.

There are many reasons why you might not be able to live like that. Firstly, because it’s human to want to buy things. Secondly, there are countless reasons why you might end up on Amazon regardless of you wanting to do the ‘right’ thing. Mental health, not having enough money, location, disability, access or, when it comes to fast fashion, maybe you’re fat and there are literally no other affordable options than fast fashion. And vintage shops have run out of their only four plus size shirts because thin #influencers bought them to turn them into a mini-skirt for their YouTube channel.

If you can avoid unethical purchasing and you do it, thank you. You are a hero. I genuinely love you for it.

But if you can’t and don’t, please don’t beat yourself up. It’s not your sole responsibility to fix the world. We need to stop blaming individuals for what the system is making possible. And not just possible - profitable.

So - yes - I am going to be a bit of a piece of shit on this website. I will recommend things that can be bought on Amazon. I will always try to recommend things from small businesses as well.

Most importantly, when we talk about ethics, here is one thing that I absolutely CAN promise: No body shaming. No weight loss products. I am open to being called out about potentially problematic things (say, for example, if I recommend a book that was written by an asshole without me knowing it) and I will apologise and correct the post. And I will be honest.

I don’t know about you, but I never know what I can trust on the internet. It feels like everyone just wants to make money. And I can’t blame them, money is nice to have. It’s great to be able to pay rent.

But this is only fun for me because I get to be honest. It’s thrilling.

So that’s where I will be very ethical.

Now, go let yourself be #influenced.